"Much More Muchier"

“‎You're not the same as you were before," he said. You were much more... muchier... you've lost your muchness.”

― Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland / Through the Looking-Glass

Recently I realized I am getting “muchier.”

And it makes me so happy.

There was a time in my life when I was full of vim, vigor, excitement…life. And then something happened as I went through adulthood.

I began to make myself small in order to make those around me more comfortable.

Biting my tongue when I wanted to scream, laughing instead of crying when someone said something hurtful, ignoring and allowing the small microaggressions that ate at my self-esteem, making me self-conscious of who I was.

Who I am.

And so, I became someone else. Someone I didn’t know. Someone who was “less than” who I felt I was always meant to be. And I found myself playing the role of martyr to those who were uncomfortable with the authentic me.

And I felt like I was doing the right thing. Sacrificing myself for someone else. It’s so very noble, isn’t it?

And, slowly, over the years, became someone I did not know. Someone I did not like.

I was embarrassed by this bastardized version of myself.

And worse, I didn’t even know it was happening. I let it happen. In fact, I made it happen.

In my mind, I had to in order to make everyone in my sphere comfortable. To be fully myself would rock the boat which I had helped to build.

And there came a time when I wanted nothing more than to jump overboard.

Instead, I began to write. More and more and more. Peeling back the layers to discover why I felt it was necessary to make myself small. It was time to hold up a looking glass and search for the culprits.

I can make excuses. But I won’t. I did this to myself.

What I found was...

Fear.

Shame.

Hurt.

Feeling unlovable.

Then I thought, “Great. I can name it. What am I going to do about it now?”

And then it came to me. I needed to thank her. This version of myself. This person had helped me make it through the toughest years of my life.

I am grateful to her. And even more grateful I no longer need her.

It’s time to let her go.

Being me. The most authentic version of myself is all I have to be. And if it makes others uncomfortable, that’s not for me to worry about or try to make better.

It’s their issue, not mine.

And so, today, I plan to be a much more muchier and wiser version of me.

Why don't you join me?